Infertility Awareness Week- Here's my story, what's yours?

Canadian Infertility Awareness Week is coming up on May 19 – 25.

I am sharing my story as part of a challenge to help raise awareness and advocate for infertility support in Canada.  I invite my fellow bloggers and tweeps (follow the hashtag #creatingfamilies) to share their stories. 

There are so many stories that can inspire other couples to keep trying just one more time, support that woman who was just told she can't be a mother without medical help and thousands of dollars and encourage that couple to keep believing in their dream to become parents.
 

 

Follow Infertility Awareness Association of Canada (IAAC) on Twitter and share their information with women you know. 

 

So, on this Mother's Day, this is MY story of infertility and becoming a mother, against all odds.

 
When Paul and I first met, one of the things that endeared us instantly to each other, was our love for children. We were meant to be parents together.

When we first wanted to try to have our own, routine tests led us to devastating information. We would NEVER conceive naturally. Not only that, but we should not bother wasting our time or money with drugs or monitoring or even artificial insemination. In-vitro was our one and only chance to have biological children (about a 50% chance given my age at the time).

After days and nights spent crying, yelling, aching, screaming and wondering "why us", we put together our money from savings and started our journey. While we were terrified to imagine that this may never happen, we were forced to stay positive. I forced myself not to think of the possibility that I might never know the feeling of a life growing inside me, never be pregnant, never give birth to our child. It felt as if my right as a woman had been taking away. 

I really had no friends who could relate to my situation at all.  All of my friends were pregnant around me, with no issues at all.  I felt isolated, scared and totally alone.  I had no one to turn to, except a few women on message boards in the U.S.  Infertility was not really talked about and I had no where to turn for support, questions or hope. Ten years later, I'm so happy to say that women can look around them everywhere and see support from this community. 

Our journey to parenthood began in January 2003 with morning routines of driving at 7am to our amazing clinic. Refrigerated meds, needles, and prayers consumed our days and nights. Then another obstacle. Our cycle was going to be cancelled. There were not enough viable eggs. But I stayed strong and believed... and we were patient. We got the call after another blood test and ultrasound to count my eggs... it was a go! The next day, our doctor called us to go to the clinic to "retrieve" my eggs. I had 8 eggs over the minimum size necessary to proceed and I felt like we had just won the lottery!!! Paul was called upon for his "donation" to the process. We left the rest of the job to the lab technicians.

 

 

 

Our doctor called to say that we needed to rush in earlier than expected. There were only 2 embryos left. We went into the procedure room to have the remaining 2 embryos transferred. We held onto each other and onto the ounce of faith and hope that still remained.  Within 5 minutes, on March 18th, our two potential 'babies' were transferred into my uterus and we prayed they would hang on. Our doctor wished us luck and handed us our amazing petri dish, the first home of our embryos, as a memory of the journey.

 

Our dreams had come true.  I was pregnant!  We were parents...at the very beginning. We already loved this little person who had made us believe in miracles. Our prayers had been answered.  Four years later, we started all over again (we had no embryos frozen). Another ten thousand dollars later, more prayers were answered and we were blessed again...with twins.

While my journey was heartbreaking along the way, it did have a happy ending.  So many couples are still struggling, many of whom I know very well and do my best to support them. 
Please forward this link to anyone you know, who may need support of this community.

I was honoured to be asked to share my story and compensated for my support of #creatingfamilies for Infertility Awareness Week 2013. 

Surving Mother's Day after the loss of a child

Being a mother is the hardest job in the world. 
 
Being a mother to a son that you have lost is heartbreaking and yet I find myself struggling with this each day, especially at Mother's Day. 
 
I struggle with being a mother to my two boys, while in my heart, I have three sons.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of Zack and the impact that he had on our family and on who I am as a mother.  There are several moments in the day when I literally stop and imagine how life would be, had he not died two years ago.
 
Sometimes it’s in the simplest part of the day, like packing only two lunches for school or walking into the bedroom that used to be his and seeing only one of my twins waking up in the morning.
 
Sometimes it’s having only four of us at the dinner table or driving in a car without his car seat in the seat behind me.
 
Sometimes it’s when I cuddle with Jayden and imagine that I have Zack’s arms around me or when I see our Elmo doll collection and I imagine the smile that they used to bring my sweet boy’s face.
 
Sometimes it’s when I’m asked how many children I have and I feel torn about what my answer will be this time and how much I feel like sharing.
 
Sometimes it’s when the kids are all playing on the street and I miss chasing my little devil as he rode his red car down the sidewalk, giggling all the way.
 
Sometimes it’s when I see the face of another child with special needs or hear about their little victories.  I remember how precious those daily miracles were with Zack, and I yearn to feel that joy again.
 
Sometimes it’s in the quiet moments when I can look through old photos and videos and see his face or hear his laugh again, while I look for signs that he is still with me.
 
The difficult part is that you can never undo being a mom to your child.  It is not only what we do, but who we are. 
 
I am STILL his mother.  I always will be.  For the rest of my life, as I become a mother to two teenage boys, watch them graduate, get married and even start their own families, I will also forever be the mother of a 3 year old little boy, who remains in my heart.
 


Heather, Ty, Jayden and Zackie's mommy xo

Confessions of a 40 year old

One day before I enter another decade.  I've been thinking so much about what this number or this birthday really means and it's led me to reflect on my 30s and what they really meant, all that I experienced and what new perspective I can bring into this new decade and maybe new phase of my life.

One clear memory was my 30th birthday.  I wasn't nervous or upset at all about turning 30, in fact, it was quite the opposite.  After a year of worry and doubt if we could ever have children, I had JUST learned that I was pregnant with my sweet Ty.  I was over the moon, elated and very much excited to enter my 30s knowing that this chapter would begin with me coming a mother.

My career had certainly been incredible at Town Shoes but now with new influences on the team and my impending mat leave, my commitment was different.  I didn't feel that I belong as much as I once had and I really felt out of place at work.  Maybe it was because I was fulfilling my destiny of becoming a mother and my heart just wasn't in it anymore.  It was a really difficult time for me, having grown up in that company, been mentored and finding a talent that I never knew that I had.  Leaving that job, after the twins were born, was the right thing to do and gave me the chance to really focus on Zack and raising all three of our boys.  While this decision was emotional and had financial implications, it felt right to both Paul and me for so many reasons.  Now as I find my new path with momstown and through this blog and the world of social media and fundraising- I can really see how far I have come.  I feel valued and appreciated and far more confident than I ever have felt before.  Is that what 40 should feel like?
 

During this decade, my two besties were by my side as always and we were there through each other's ups and downs. We raised our kids together, saw them grow into friends and now we can all enter our 40s together.  I've connected with beautiful women, like Libbie, who has joined our family in such a natural way.  I've met moms of children with special needs or women who have lost a child or husband and now we have a bond deeper than most.  I've seen some friends grow distant and I've met a whole new group of amazing online and in real life friends who I now cherish.  After moving to our current house, I also realized that friends come in the form of neighbours, too.  Not only did I find women and families that we adore, but our sons have found friends to grow up with.  Moving to our house was one of the best decisions of my 30s.

I've seen my parents change so much within the 10 years of my 30s.  From busy business owners to busy retirees!  From doting parents to doting grandparents to their boys.  They've gone from living in my childhood home to moving to their dream home by the lake and I've seen the joy that this new life brings them both and our entire family.  I've seen my Dad conquer cancer and my mom endure a horrible illness.  As I turn 40 this week, I not only get to celebrate my own milestone, but also celebrate my Dad being 5 years cancer free!

 
My thirties was the decade that my beautiful and talented sister and I found our common interests; shoes and our sons.  As she became a rock-star shoe buyer, I've left the shoe biz (but still living it through her).  I watch her reach for the stars and grab onto them and I'm so damn proud of her.  The best part is that we are moms together. Moms to 4 four boys between us and our kids couldn't adore each other more.

This year also marks 13 years of being married to the man of my dreams and 18 years of being together!  I find it so hard to believe that he has been in my life for almost half of it, and yet I can't really remember life without him.  Our love affair started just before I turned 30 and that passion and need to be together has grown so much in a decade.  We have been through more obstacles than many, but we still remain committed and devoted to loving each other through it all.  Life is just better together, and while it has never been easy, it has been worth the work to make it through.  I do hope the next 10 years will be kinder to us and allow us to really have some more fun together.  

My 30s brought not only my sweet Ty and the four years of loving and adoring him and him alone, it also brought another journey through infertility to become a mother again to our twins.  The day they were born, I was 34 and a half and yet with all that I learned since their birth combined with stress and depression, it aged me beyond my years.  There are almost 2 years that I find it hard to remember.  Life was so difficult and draining and yet I found the strength to do it all.  I find it hard to remember feeding Jayden and Zack at the same time and yet I did it several times a day.  I remember the juggling act, as well as the drive to do whatever I could do for my sweet son, while giving what was left to his brothers and their dad.  

My 30s also brought me the most profound loss I've ever endured and a pain that I know will remain with me not only into this next decade, but for my whole life.  I think there is some guilt or at least sadness, as the universe lets me turn one year older and only let Zack live for 3 of those years.  On the other hand, Zack's death opened me up to a larger and generous community-  one that helped me reach our goal to create Zack's Dream Room.  That experience has forever changed me and allowed me to learn more about myself, humanity and ultimately helped me honour Zack in a very special  and beautiful way.

These 10 years were certainly the most difficult in my life and yet they have shaped me the most.  They taught me the strength and determination that I'm not sure that I ever thought I had.  I know that I have these years (and Zackie) to thank, as I enter this new decade having a new awareness about myself and what I'm capable of doing.

Happy 40th to me- BRING IT ON!!!!!

New Season brings new hope for IVF Families

Spring is coming (soon I hope) and Easter has just passed.  It's the time of year to feel renewed, reborn and even the season for new babies!

As the winter clothes come off and we no longer need to bundle under heavy coats, it becomes clear that those women who had hoped to become pregnant, are not.  It's true, that while we judge pregnant women like Kim K. for gaining too much weight, there are women aching to have that round belly!  We also have a tendency to stare at the empty bellies of women who we believe are trying to get pregnant.  I know that I've been on the receiving end of this ritual, but I have also been guilty of thinking "is she, isn't she" to my friends or family.  The added pressure from outside influences certainly doesn't make an already emotional situation any easier and in fact, it can make it much worse for the woman and for the couple going through infertility. 

As we enter a new season, my heart is full knowing that a member of my family is pregnant with a miracle after a year of tests and fertility visits.  But another part of me is also feeling frustrated, that as we enter this season of new life, my dear friends are starting their journey through IVF for the second time.

One of the best pieces of advice that I have to offer my friends is to reach out and find others who are going through the same situation or have been there.  One of those resources is a the Conceivable Dreams Facebook Group.  I'm inspired everyday with the honesty with which women share their stories- the good, the bad and the unimaginable.  Not only are these women connecting to share and support each other, they are also helping to make change for themselves and others who require IVF to become parents.  The blogs that are written and shared among the women are both heart wrenching and inspiring as they share their journey to motherhood.

I'm so proud to be part of the blogging team at Conceivable Dreams, along with my friend Karma.  Conceivable Dreams is a grass roots organization whose purpose for being is too bring awareness and direction to those responsible for making the big decisions, namely the provincial government.  Their campaign, OHIP4IVF, is focused on getting the Ontario Government to fund the costly procedure for wannabe parents.  IVF (in-vitro fertilization) treatments are very expensive and don't come with any guarantees of actually becoming pregnant.  However, for those who have been trying for months and in some cases years, IVF may be their last hope.

Other provincial jurisdictions have funded IVF treatments with amazing stats- reducing the overall medical and health related costs for mothers and babies.  Imagine the impact on our health care system if we could ensure single embryo transfers and reduce the risk of high risk pregnancies and multiples.  The Ontario government needs to pay attention to the changing landscape of our families and support IVF treatments with our OHIP system. 

I know that there are so many misconceptions about infertility and unless you have been through it or know someone, you might also believe these myths.  This great article helps to clear up those beliefs that are unfounded.

The time is now, to speak up and let our new Premier know that it is time to listen to women and families as we watch the rates of infertility climb each year.  I'm honoured to lend my voice to help couples like us, who need their government to listen.  

Times have changed...

Please follow @OHIP4IVF on Twitter or the hashtag #OHIP4IVF to support government funding for IVF. Help other couples become parents, without the financial burden that comes with infertility.

*I am sharing this as a member of the Conceivable Dreams blog team, and have been compensated for this post. Opinions are all my own.

Feeling like ME again.....

It's happening....I'm starting to feel and look like ME again.  That's the cool part of how I'm feeling- I really don't feel pressure to be anyone else or look like Kim Kardashian- instead, I just want to be a me where my head and my body seem to "fit".  I've been feeling so detached from my own body and that's such an uncomfortable place to be in.

Last week, I went shopping at Target for the first time, and bought a bathing suit for our upcoming trip to Jamaica.  When I got home to try it on, I looked in the mirror and I was so proud of myself (Paul was pretty excited about my new bathing suit too!).  So proud that when I turn 40 in a few weeks, I won't be finding reasons NOT to be in our holiday photos.

I'm happy to report that as of today, I have officially lost 20lbs!!!!  A huge accomplishment and I'm so damn proud of how hard I have worked.  It is sooo not easy to cut down on the stuff you love, eat smaller portions and eat better food- but I'm doing it with Weight Watchers.  I've learned so much in the last three months about how my body responds to food and what I need to eat or not eat to lose weight.  I know that my heart and my head had to be really ready in order to be successful this time- I needed to be at this point in grieving, so that I could put my health first and still feel like I was honouring Zackie.  I hope that with the warmer weather, I can get outside and exercise to continue my journey towards my ultimate goal!  To be honest, I'm in no rush.  We all know that it took me years to the put the weight on and could take me the rest of this year to reach my goal- and I'm totally cool with that. 
Back in January, I made a pledge to myself, to the boys and to my hubby that I would focus on losing weight and getting our family healthier.  I'm trying to get the entire family to eat better and moving more.  The boys do find it hard to cut out the treats, and we've had some food battles lately, but we are really working on this together.  The best news is that Paul is now joining me in this journey and I'm so proud of how great he's done so far (men!)! 

Today I took a new close up shot of just me and posted it on Facebook.  It was the first time in a long time that I didn't critique the chin(s), puffiness in my face and I just saw ME- my smile and my eyes- the me that I've been working really hard to find. 

My House Just Got Smarter- Rogers Smart Home Monitoring!

My house just got smart...and it's more fun too!

Our security system was installed when we moved in over 6 years ago, and to be honest, we didn't really give it much thought....until we visited our neighbour's house.  They had this high tech cool "tablet" (touchpad) on the wall and instantly, we wanted it!  They told us a bit about the new Rogers Smart Home Monitoring that they had just installed and were loving it- not only the safety but the cool features that came along with it.

When I was approached to try the new system, I was already eager to try it out and was so excited to learn more. 

We sat down with a great tech dude who answered all of our questions and helped us make the right decisions about what hardware to add to our existing system (no added hardware is required, but it's pretty cool if you do add some key hardware, like cameras!).

We chose some really amazing hardware that no other system could ever offer- we planned to install 2 cameras (one at the front door and one towards our sliding back door), timed light switch sockets (one dimmer and one regular), a flood detector in the basement, and a dishwasher flood detector.

We are enjoying the features and convenience of our new system- here are some of the reasons we love our Smart Home;

SAFETY:
I have a husband who works long, crazy hours, taking the occasional trip, so I need to feel very safe and secure at home with our precious kids.  I love that if I forget to turn on the alarm, I can arm it from a very simple app on my phone or iPad, while I'm in bed watching Mad Men episodes!  

CONVENIENT:
I'll admit that as I am turning 40, my ability to multitask and remember is being challenged (not to mention my eye sight). We left on a weekend away, shortly after the Smart Home installation, and I totally forgot to turn down my thermostat!  I'm far too cheap and eco-conscious to allow that to happen, so I logged onto my iPhone app and adjusted the temperature to be cooler while we were away.  On the drive home, I logged back in and turned up the heat for when we got home.  I love that we have the app on our phones so that we can disable and enable our system remotely.  I can check on my home, see the camera views and adjust lights and my thermostat from anywhere!  Now THAT is convenient for our family!

CUSTOM:
Our cleaning lady has her own code that is ONLY active on the days that she is expected to be in our house.  How cool is that?  I can also see (via email) when she has left our house and monitor the time she has taken to clean.  

While our kids aren't quite old enough to come in on their own, I see that this system will help with peace of mind, in the future.  We have a code dedicated to the kids, and there will come a time, in the not so distant future, when I can receive an email on my phone to let me know that the kids have come in the house after school.  This is one of my favourite features.

You can also customize your dashboard on the touchpad- and you can put your touchpad anywhere you choose!  We have ours on the kitchen counter, but can easily move it if we choose- there is no permanent installation on our wall.  We love the weather app where we have ours set for weather in our home city as well as places where we visit (or dream of visiting!).  We love to check in on the latest news, as well as sports and traffic updates! The only thing we have requested is that Rogers add the ability to listen to the radio or music!

FUN:
And what about those precious and silly kids?  They are in love with the camera features- one of their favourite new activities is to let one of them outside the front door and the other goes to the touchpad to use the camera feature to spy on the other brother outside- the one outside does something silly, holds up a few fingers to guess or wiggles his bum at the camera (yup, that's what happens when you have two boys!).

We even have fun with the dog and the cameras...we can actually, um, see where the dog "uses the backyard" and know where to pick it up later, by logging in and watching the camera from my desktop computer upstairs!  I can also see when she is waiting at the sliding door to be let back in.

The cameras are perfect for spying!  When the boys and I were up at my parent's house, we logged in to see if we could catch Daddy in the kitchen having junk food or making a mess!  We even turned on the lights in the main room and freaked him out...he thought it was a ghost!

Cameras are great security but fun for brother antics too!

ENERGY AND COST SAVINGS:
Not only is turning down and setting your thermostat lower when you are away, a great energy (and cost) saver, there are several other ways that our new Smart Home has helped save money and energy.  We have added two plugs to our electrical outlets in the house.  One is used to set the timer for a light in our front living room.  When we are out for an evening I don't have to leave the front light on when it is still daylight (and waste energy).  We time it to go on when it's dark outside, instead.  This gives some light for our dog to stay home at night, as well as gives the illusion that we are home (safe AND energy saving). 

Wall plug adapter will allow you to time your lights or appliances!

We've totally fallen in love with the ways in which Rogers Smart Home Monitoring has made our family feel safer and eco-conscious.  We appreciate the new and innovative ways in which the technology has made it really convenient for us manage what is happening in our home and create an integrated system in which we can control so many crucial aspects with the touch of a button.  The best part of the program is that we can control and view our home, when we are away from it.  Having the remote access is one more way that Rogers really appreciates how busy our family life really is.

To read more about the system from other families, check this post from my friend Rebecca and Mara and watch our discussion on Twitter by following #RSmartHome.


Do you live in Hamilton, Oakville, Burlington, Niagara Falls, St. Catharines and other Golden Horseshoe areas? As of today, we’re happy to announce that you can now sign up for Smart Home Monitoring by visiting this link.

Disclosure:  We are loyal Rogers customers and have been asked to document our experience with our new Smart Home Monitoring system from Rogers, in exchange for the service for one year.

What Being a SickKids Ambassador still means to our family

As many of you  know, Zack and I were asked to be SickKids ambassadors (read Zack's story on their site) over 3 years ago- we were asked to speak at events with Zack by my side, participate in commercials promoting the lottery, fly to the North Pole to meet Santa and attend cool events helping the SickKids Foundation spread the word about how they had impacted the lives of so many families like ours.

Just after Zack died, we were once again asked to participate in an event (making Blizzards at our local Dairy Queen in support of the Children's Miracle Network) and have since been privileged to speak with John Tory on the Radiothon, act in the tv show "The Listener" (you will see Ty when it airs soon) and most recently, film the PSAs for their latest HUGE fundraising efforts.  There are no words to describe how much still being a part of the SickKids family means to us- it means that Zack hasn't been forgotten.  It means that we have been embraced by the hospital that cherished him and it allows us to help give back, in Zack's honour. 

A few weeks ago, Ty and I ventured downtown to attend a shoot for the new Camp Adventure commercials using a green screen.  The technique was really fun, as they will add camp animation when the spots air in early March.  We were both a bit nervous but also so honoured to continue to be asked to be ambassadors.

Ty was fed his lines while he "acted" out the scenes- and he truly was a natural.  After the scripted lines, Ty was asked how he felt when he learned that his brother had died.  My heart ached, but Ty answered so beautifully about how he heard the news and how it had made him feel.  I was so very proud of my son for sharing his emotions in a room full of strangers.

When it was my turn, I mentioned to the director that I had brought a photo of Zack.  I knew that the other mothers had their children in these scenes and I really wanted to share our own miracle and have Zack with me too.  He was so thrilled that I had thought of that and we filmed my scenes while I held my favourite framed shot of Zackie.  I was also asked some tough questions and tried my best to hold it together and convey how I really felt about the amazing people at SickKids.  The reality is, they gave us over 3 years with our son and we are eternally grateful.

Today, I can finally share the news about that fun green screen shoot and the new initiative at SickKids.  I can also share that Zack's Dream Team will be back again this year, donning our hats while we head out for the family adventure of a lifetime!  We will also be setting our fundraising goal and working hard to achieve it with the help from friends and family! 

Did you love camp? 

I hope you will consider joining our "cabin" on September 28th!  Please follow more information about our team efforts on Facebook.  This event will be family-focused and fun- while reminding you what it felt like to be at camp as a kid!  Whether we decide to do the full 20km or only half, along the way we will participate in fun camp adventures, crafts and create family memories for SickKids!  Ty and I will be serving hot chocolate and helping at the Exclusive Media Launch on Monday, March 4th.

Please mark September 28th on your calendar and join Zack's Dream Team!

CAMP FOR KEEPS PRESS RELEASE

SickKids Launches New Annual FUNdraising Event to Support Children’s Health

The Great Camp Adventure is an up to 20 kilometre challenge-by-choice adventure walk that will take place on September 28, 2013 through the streets of downtown Toronto (starting and ending at Fort York).

LAUNCH EVENT

Toronto, ON – Goodbye snow, hello wilderness campout! On Monday, March 4, the front lawn of The Hospital for Sick Children (SickKids) will be transformed from winter wonderland to summer camp central to celebrate the launch of Canaccord Genuity Great Camp Adventure benefitting SickKids.

Green grass will blanket the area, tents will line the paths and a campfire will spark nearby as staff, patient ambassadors and media will get the chance to participate in interactive camp-themed activities like marshmallow toss, three-legged race, camp sing-song and arts and crafts. Happy campers will also snack on s’mores and drink hot chocolate by the fire. Event attendees will be able to get a jump start on their fundraising for the event too by signing up a cabin group (a.k.a. a team) to participate.

WHAT

Exclusive Media  ONLY event to reveal new SickKids fundraising event; our first, very own event of this scale.

WHO

Mary Jo Haddad, President and CEO, The Hospital for Sick Children

Ted Garrard, President and CEO, SickKids Foundation

Jordan Bitove, SickKids Foundation Board of Directors

David Kassie, Chairman, Canaccord Financial Inc.

Charolette Desbiens, age 7, SickKids patient ambassador

Ty Hamilton, age 9, SickKids ambassador

I didn't think I could do it again...

I've been around babies since Zack died. 

I've seen them, they've come to my house and I've even attended baby showers.

All of those situations have been very hard for me.

The truth is that I have had such a difficult time with anything baby since Zack's been gone.  Not only because I've lost a child, but also because he was my baby.  He needed to be carried, pushed in a stroller, fed and was still in diapers.  When Zack died, all of that was gone and I became the mom to only "big boys".  Even Ty and Jayden would say "let's get a new baby" to stop me from crying.

I've had no desire to hold a baby in almost two years.  NONE.

My once "baby magnetism" has been totally shattered and now I actually steer away when a baby is in the room.

Then yesterday happened....

A visit with my sweet friend and Zack's hearing teacher, Jana and her new baby.  I'll admit that I was really nervous knowing that I would be expected to hold him and not totally sure how I would react.

I have to first say that not only was Jana so important to us in the beginning, when Zack's hearing loss was diagnosed, she was also there in the end.  She sat in the waiting room during the last days of Zack's life, came in to see him and brought us coffee and snacks to keep our strength up.  When Zack died, she continued to care for us by helping to arrange meals to come to our home for over a month after the funeral.  She is family and a sweet connection to my son.

When I walked into her house and she and her son were in the front room (with her adorable husband!).  She was the picture of a lovely new mother and in that instant it changed for me.  I wanted to hold him- not only because I adore his mother, but also to do what she had done for me.  She held my son so many times and now it was my turn to do the same for her. 

Jana and Zackie

I spent the entire hour with this new little life in my arms.  I made him smile, heard his sweet voice and then held him as he fell asleep. I didn't let go until it was time to leave and it felt just perfect and right.  I'm not sure if my connection to this new soul reminded me of Zack or whether he made me feel close to my own baby again...but I do know that in that moment, it was beautiful, just as he is. 

Thank you Jana and Tomas, for sharing that moment with me and welcome to the world, sweet boy, there is an angel watching over you. xox
 

It's not right, but it's okay

Yesterday, at a lunch with my contact at the York Central (Mackenzie Health) Foundation, I heard sad news of their plans to move the pediatric unit, only months after we celebrated the recognition and not even 6 months after the rooms were all painted.

It turns out that with more babies being born at our community hospital, the maternity unit that shares the floor, now needs the 6 rooms that were just renovated and transformed into something beautiful for the kids.  Zack's Dream Room and our other Zoo Animals room are 2 of the 6 rooms that are now moving to a totally new wing of the hospital.  While it is a newer and probably nice area of the hospital, it isn't where Zack and I stayed so many nights together, snuggled in bed watching Elmo DVDs.

I know that these administrative decisions happen all the time in hospitals and I'm also pretty sure that the other 4 donors will be perfectly happy with this decision and knowing that the murals on their walls will be recreated in another room....but I'm not just a donor.  This project, that room, was so much more than a plaque on the wall for me, for us.

My heart is heavy knowing that the room that was created with such magic by my friends Leigh-Anne and Sarah, will no longer be a pediatric room where the nurses who loved Zack can tell his story to the moms and kids.  In the past year, I have received several emails and messages telling me about other moms, who knew Zack's story and were able to stay with their own sick child in his beautiful room. I know that new moms and their babies will now be inspired by the incredible mural, as Elmo and Zack welcome that new little one into the world, but its not what I planned.

The hospital plans on asking the lovely Marilena, to recreate the 4 murals that she painted just last fall, on the walls of the 4 new rooms.  That leaves our 2 rooms.  I feel that the animal room, which was never painted, can now have a chance to come to life in the new room...but that leaves the Dream Room.

Do we keep Zack's Dream Room where it is?  Leave the plaque and NOT create another Elmo mural in the new room?  Do we keep the memories and the spirit of that room exactly where it was intended to be?
Or
Do we create a second Elmo room, maybe not the Dream Room, but another room that is inspiring to those children and nurses in the new wing?

The questions for my heart and head go beyond the simple painting of the walls and moving of the equipment.  My heart is sad, thinking that the Dream Room is somewhat tainted now that it will not exist in the way in which it was intended.

But, does the Dream Room extend beyond the walls? 
Is Zack's essence in that room or can it be wherever I can show his spirit and share my own heart with other moms and kids?

My dad asked me last night, isn't Zack's spirit portable?  Don't we feel him in so many places?
Can't his Dream and his magic be transported to another room as well?

I'm not sure about the answers to these questions or what the final outcome will be.  But I do know that I will follow my heart and listen to what Zack tries to tell me. 

Maybe Zack and I aren't as finished with this beautiful project as I thought? 
Maybe there IS more for me to do?  Maybe he is pushing me to do more?

As I read the advice from our amazingly supportive family and friends, I do promise that Paul, the boys and I will make the BEST decision to honour Zack's spirit and allow his legacy to continue to inspire others. 

It was time to make the change

Zack's room was the place where he and I would rock the night away.  The place where I tried to get a few minutes of sleep between humming the Elmo song, during his 2am episodes.

It's the place where he would sit in his bouncing chair and get his meds and his gtube feed each night as he watched his Elmo episodes.  I'd sneak back in the room about 30 minutes later to find him curled to one side, peacefully asleep.  I'd unbuckle him, get a quiet snuggle and put my sweet son in his crib and pray the night would be uneventful.

In the mornings, it was the place where I heard either a cry or a sweet "babababababa" while he played with the blinds over his crib...he loved the silly sound that they made.  I'd open that door to start our day- one that would include morning meds, gtube feeds, therapist visits, lots of Elmo episodes and so much laughter.

Before Zackie died, we were in the process of redoing his room to create an "Elmo's World" just for him.  One night he and I were awake and I took crayons and drew on the wall to try to replicate the crayon drawings on the Elmo's World episode.  I even wrote "Zackie's World" in the middle of the wall and added some Elmo stickers around the room.  I had bought the linens, the comforter and pillow cases for Christmas that year and he had been using them while we worked up the courage to paint the walls.  When kids came to visit, Ty and Jayden would invite them up to Zack's room to draw on the walls and it became a beautiful collection of messages, picture and memories.

 

 

After Zack died, we placed several momentos in his room, on his shelves and even in his empty crib.  Posters that kids had drawn for him, more stuffed Elmos, his hand and foot molds that were made the night he died and even photos that we found after he was gone.

In the early weeks after Zack died, there were several days when walking past that room was far too difficult for both Paul and I and we shut the door.  There were also days that I sat in the rocking chair, hugging his blanket and remembering his weight in my arms as I sobbed thinking of how much I missed him.

But time has gone on and we really just left the room alone.  The odd time I would want to hug Elmo or look at Zack's things but really, the room had lost the life that was once there- literally and figuratively.  Even still, Paul and I just couldn't wrap our heads around taking down his crib, removing all of his things and converting the room into a room for Jayden.  We knew the time would come, but we were pushing it off as much as we could. It hurt too much to even think about it.  We had had a discussion with my Dad about what he could do with the crib.  We decided that he would take the rails and repurpose it into a bookshelf for Zack's keepsakes and two step stools for the boys.  Beautiful souvenirs of that special crib.

Ty and Jayden have shared a room for over 2 years and it became really clear to us with all the bickering and arguing, that we needed to make a decision to move Jayden to his old (and Zack's old) room sooner, rather than later.  The thought literally made me sick to think about and I couldn't discuss the topic without completely losing it.  Even though I knew it was time...for so many reasons...it also felt like the end of something so special and so many memories.

Then it happened...in such a perfectly natural way.  We were clearing room on our main floor for our Christmas tree and we had to move a huge table holding Jayden's fire station set, somewhere.  That somewhere was either our basement or the room that would be his.  We decided to take it upstairs and make the move to start the transition.  As we started to move things around and see the excitement on Jayden (and Ty's) faces, we knew that we had to move Zack's things to the basement or put them in boxes.  While we had lumps in our throats as we took down the Elmo DVDs, favourite toys and put away posters kids had made, it just seemed like the right time for our family to make this big change.

First night in his new room

We took so many photos that day and the boys were such great helpers.  We had spoken to them about how we were a bit sad to take down Zack's things, but at the same time, we were so excited for both of them to have their own room.  They seemed to understand the emotions behind this change and Ty was really sweet in capturing each section of the wall with his own camera.  Then we did what we had been dreading...we took down the crib and moved in Jayden's big boy bed.  Jayden was insistent that we put the bed in the spot where his crib used to be.  With a deep breath, we took the crib rails and mattress to the basement and put together a new space for Jayden.

When we were organized and the room was looking pretty great, I sat down on the bed beside Jayden and looked around.  I was truly overwhelmed with emotions.  As I lay there, it occurred to me that the room had come back to life.  I could almost hear Zackie cheering for Jayden and promising to watch over him.  Once again, I was in this room and there was laughter, love and the possibility of making new memories.  I once again had a son to say good night to in that room and a reason to get excited to open the door again in the morning.  I snuggled in with Jayden and in that moment I knew we had done the right thing for all of us.