Thursday, January 5, 2012

If I close my eyes

I was lying in bed, with my eyes closed, dreaming of Zack this inspired this post.

If I close my eyes, I can feel your arms around my neck, even though it is your twin brother holding me tightly.

If I close my eyes, I can picture you at the top of the stairs, waiting for me to carry you in my arms to play.

If I close my eyes, I can see the scars across your chest showing me the ways in which you were brave.

If I close my eyes, I can hear your squeals of laughter when we used to pretend to sneeze just for you.

If I close my eyes, I can hold your hand feeling the two bent fingers that made you, you.

If I close my eyes, I can hear your cries in the middle of the night.

If I close my eyes, we are rocking softly together and falling asleep in our rocking chair.

If I close my eyes, I can see you sucking your tongue and watching your silly brothers.

If I close my eyes, I can hear you humming "Elmo's World".

If I close my eyes, I can feel the heat of your body against me when you had a horrible fever and you wanted to be next to me.

If I close my eyes, I can hear you say "mumumumumum" just for me.

If I close my eyes, you are sitting once again at our table and feeding yourself pudding like a big boy!

If I close my eyes, I'm still trying to count your millions of long eyelashes.

If I close my eyes, you are racing along the sidewalk on your red car, squealing as I try to catch you.

If I close my eyes, you are looking at me with complete and utter love...and it makes me cry.

If I close my eyes, you are still here.


Mish Lockwood said...

Heather....I had to close my catch the tears that are falling.

Annabel F said...

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, Heather. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings and words. xo

Tarasview said...

oh my dear Heather, I am so very sorry for your heartbreak. Close your eyes and dream of sweet Zack often and I pray someday those dreams bring more smiles than tears.

hugs and love to you.

Jennifer Hunt said...

Such a beautiful post to remember such a sweet boy.

All the best to you and your family Heather.

My Big Blue World

Mommy Moment said...

Hugs to you beautiful mama, because I have no words...

Mommy Moment

Hollie Pollard said...

Beautiful poem for your little boy.

Mom vs. the boys said...

so sweet

Alexandria said...

This is so beautiful, Heather. Thank you for sharing Zack with all of us.

Sara Hodge said...

<3 Heather, this is so beautiful. ((hugs))

TJZMommy said...

He was beautiful...and in my memories he is so vivid. I close my eyes to be close to him and then I wipe those tears.

thank you for letting me share him with you.

Smita said...

A beautiful way to remember and feel him....he is always with you xox. Love you.

Wendy S said...

Heather, that was beautiful. Love never ends.

Anita Woo said...

Thank you for reminding us that every moment is precious. You are so brave for sharing your sweet Zack with us. Hugs!

Jenn W said...

I feel as if I knew him.... such a beautiful poem for what seems to have been such a wonderful boy. May your dreams bring you smiles and wonderful memories.Never stop closing your eyes.

Karen said...

What a beautiful post! I could see and hear Zackie as I read each word. Big hugs to you.

karengreeners said...

lovely and heartbreaking.

Anonymous said...

I sometimes feel so selfish. You have lived through the greatest loss one could, your heartbreak to me is unimaginable. Yet I go on with my life sometimes complaining about ridiculous stuff - my kids fighting or how they leave a mess everywhere they go - I can't imagine how that makes you feel. Then I read what you just wrote and it opens my eyes again to the heartbreak you live with every single day.

It makes me realize I need to be more grateful for all that I have.


heatherty said...

Beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

Joan Elliott said...

Heather, thank you for sharing your heart. I also had to close my eyes... to catch the tears that are falling... and I am sending you a hug.